When did life treat us to be so unkind?

Did it always happen to be this way and it isn’t until those billowy pillows of bitterness and loss settle in that we decide to throw out a grumpy face because it’s just better that way and hide behind masks of resting bitch face and snubbing?

Where there is so much to be done, why are we finding it necessary to get in our own way and to hinder our own growth? That emotional trauma is too much and can easily take over a life or even condemn one so that the fear of making a step, even if made in the wrong or right direction cripples us to ever taking a step at all.

I think we’ve missed the point.

What is life if not in motion? I see people born without limbs and people who have lost it all, that making a smile is probably more costly than an hour’s worth of minimum wage at work…

I do not seek to revolutionize a thing…

I do not seek to change any of my surroundings.

You see? This detachment from a human membrane is where the purest form of happiness lies.

We can strip it down, tear it apart, review schematics of how everything is supposed to work, but the essence is never changing. Just keep moving.

I had a point to make earlier, but now it evades me, I should have written it down. If there was ever a decision to be made, who told us we were have-nots rather than everything that we could ever want? I can’t bear to stare down at the ground anymore. I’ve lived most of my life hiding behind my hair and an extra tub of fat that came attached with a bucket of chicken and some sides…

I could “not be” but I’d rather be a part of the “to be” movement. I love a good story full of anticipation and surprise plot twists along the way. I am forever waiting as we all are… and who even knows what for at this point?

I could sit here and tell you about all the sadness I’ve carried and the woes I’ve had to endure, but seeking validation on such worthless schemes is something I am aiming to rise above. I want to make plans and see them through. You see? I have been inspired. You have inspired me just because you exist and that to me makes you the most beautiful person in the world. A person who chases a dream and follows through is what I look up to. I look up to you. I smile. I laugh in my darkest times… I know it is just a passing moment that does not define me… and as much as anyone tries to blind me and push my head back down into the waters, I wait… I’ve learned to breathe underwater… I’ve learned to swim to shore when no one is looking and walk the shoreline and remember the sad times that have shaped me into who I am. I am grateful for it all.

I once had this friend that was so crazy and out of line at times… Where she is now? I have no idea, but I feel like the people I have cared for the most know it and they know me and who I am. I have not changed and when I see you in the streets, I will hug you and even forget that time existed between us. I miss you, tbh. More than you know. I think that might be a superpower… making people have lapses in time once they encounter you… it’s like they forget a decade has passed and next thing you know you’re drawn into this time warp where memories encapsulate you and parting is never a sad moment.

Saying goodbye used to feel like the death of me, but I have learned to let time have the goodbyes now. Time will let me know when it’s time to see you again and in the meantime, I can just focus on the tasks at hand. Cultivating relationships that are important to me and gearing up for new adventures while handling responsibilities accordingly and allowing others to realize the value of my presence in their lives instead of being taken for granted or even making a spectacle of myself because I am afraid of being forgotten. Separation anxiety? Like, whoa, what is that even?

Yeah, I used to be that person that would leave before I got left and that’s okay. You learn as you get older and much wiser if you are able to correct a situation by choosing new options. Limitless.

Messy but refined when need be…

But mostly messy because the most beautiful pieces and the most fun is to be had when it is jumbled and not making any sense…

What if we were all important, but we bought into the lie?

What a glorious mess is all I can say…

Where and when do we get started living again?

I’ve missed myself for quite some time now…



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